just sent this to another tf blogger and thought i’d share with you in case you’re interested. it’s really long! feel free to skim. i guess i just got carried away! i try not to think too much about him. i always have him in my heart, but when he’s in my mind, i almost explode! 🙂 well, here i am, reminiscing on my experience…now i have mascara running down my face in public. well, i’d say these tears are 95% happy 🙂
we met aug 4, 2013. i was in a very good place in my life! i still am! i’ve definitely been experiencing a strong spiritual awakening which followed a very dark time in my life (“dark night of the soul”?) anyway, i went out dancing and there he was! he came to me, we didn’t really speak a word, just danced for a while. a great time! great dancing compatibility! then we got a drink. so magnetic. he told me several times “you’re so powerful”. we talked about his own spiritual awakening, when he started “remembering” in high school (almost 10 years ago). i didn’t really talk about mine. i was just living it! it hasn’t been until recently that i’ve read so much about what i’m going through/what many of us are experiencing now, that i have felt comfortable labeling it a spiritual awakening. well, i was just so overcome with love for him and inspiration. he’s a musician spreading conscious music. i felt really moved by his love. i told him something about that in our first conversation. he said “i’m just a reflection of you”. i found that really endearing then, but now i see more meaning in it.
he lives in california and i live in new mexico. he was visiting for 3 days for a family reunion. he has never lived here but his mom’s family is from here, many generations back, like mine. we spent that whole night together. my joyful heart!!! then his last night too. then, he had to head back to california. i told my friends that the feeling i had with him is the feeling i have been searching for all of my life. i’m a perpetually single girl! and i’ve really been happy with that. traveling the world, working a lot, studying a lot! not much room for a man. i’ve had relationships, but always tried to keep it casual because even if i loved them as a friend, i always operated from a sense of “i’ll know it when i feel it”. and with this man, i just FELT it – to my amazement! i’m not a fairytale dreamer. in fact, it was not until 3 months prior to our meeting that i discovered a limiting belief i had been harboring forever. i thought “maybe a perfect, loving relationship just isn’t in the cards for me this lifetime.” well, i explored that and decided that i wanted one…. so it shall be. i believe if it’s in your heart, it’s there for a reason. so i opened up to the idea that i, too, could meet the man for me…
i pretty much felt high from the experience after he left. i kept thinking, wow, i don’t know what that was, but it was life-changing! now i KNOW what i want. his childlike innocence + his raw manliness, his music, his voice, the way i felt protected around him, his playfulness, our mutual sense of humor….but mostly just that FEELING!
so i didn’t know what would happen. but we kept in contact for the next couple of months. we sent each other photos of ourselves and our lives. we had long conversations that felt nothing like the conversations i’ve had with guys i just started dating. we didn’t need to “get to know” each other… our conversations just flowed. he asked me to visit him. we spoke about it the first night. we’re both “freelancers” in our own ways. him with him music, me with design. that being said, we’re both pretty broke! just trying to figure it all out. well, i badly wanted to visit, but was lacking some money for the plane ticket. i told him i couldn’t make it after all. he said he’d cover the ticket and made sure i booked it that night. so, i did! and 2 weeks later, he’s picking me up in berkeley, ca! the night before i texted him “this is going to be so weird”. my mind was telling me “what are you, crazy? you knew this guy for maybe 12 hours in new mexico!” he called me immediately. “hey, don’t be nervous, you know me, right? i promise you’ll feel comfortable here”. that’s all i ever needed when i started to doubt this connection. i just needed to hear his voice and i was once again assured that this was real. so there we were, reunited! we hopped off to dinner with his sister in san francisco. it felt so natural. even meeting his sister. she immediately felt like my older sister! and at dinner that night. the way he looked at me from across the table. it just made me so happy…
sorry this is long! i’m gonna cut it short.
so off to his home on the coast… it was a thursday. i asked if it would be okay to stay through the weekend. i still hadn’t booked my return flight (i really was BROKE!) he asked me to stay longer…what about Tuesday…what about Wednesday?? EEK! i wasn’t sure what to do. but i wanted to spend all the time possible with him too (but what if he gets sick of me!!??) so ended up staying 7 days! he had 3 shows that week. i met all of his friends and bandmates. i helped him in his garden during the week. he took me to the forest where we played like 2 kids, we raced, we danced, we jumped off of fallen trees. he took me to the beach, sang me songs, held me as we fell asleep on the sand…
we made most of our meals that week. it was so natural! how??? we sat together as we ate. starring into his eyes was so natural. we did that for abnormally long moments.
he reminded me one day: “you’re a powerful creator….i already told you that the night we met”. oh, he remembered that. i thought it might just be a line. we talked about what we wanted in our lives 5 and 10 years down the road. i think our visions melded nicely.
deja vu and synchronicities surrounded us! for example, the day following the night we fell asleep on the beach, i had the song “angel” by jack johnson in my head. that night he called me and angel and sang me one of his own songs with that name. well, my pandora app, unprompted by me, started playing that song out of nowhere the next day while we were in the car. the song says “we share the same soul…” i feel that way about him.
and even the night i met him, i was having wine with friends before going out. i was also playing DJ and decided to play a song by a band i love and used to hang out with when i lived in puerto rico. they’re a reggae band too and the song i played before going out that night was called “de antes”. the song describes the chance meeting of two souls who had to have pre-this life history. he says “i know you from before. maybe from a time that my memory doesn’t reach…maybe a time that i didn’t inhabit this body” (spanish). anyway, that synchronicity i discovered later.
OK. FFW to today! we’re not talking. it’s been about 6 months. that week in california only proved to me more and more that this was a really special and sacred connection. i thought it was implied that we would be in touch. he told me that next time we would go here and there… well, i got back, he told me he missed me a few times….then he stopped calling and texting. i felt it was good because it allowed me to release my NEED to have him. it also has allowed me to meditate on all of this. i ask my guides to help me get over him if it’s not good for me to love him. but i just do. i still do. i feel connected to him. i even felt like we were telepathic for a few months. i had NO IDEA about tfs, much less tf telepathy, but i googled what i was experiencing and this is the information that has resonated. i still get so many clues from the universe that i’m okay and on the right path. lots of 11s, 22s, and 33s. lots of random quotes about love – especially about patience. i feel he fell in love with me too…but just couldn’t handle it right now. he wore a t-shirt i gave him to a big show in december (lots of photos were taken for magazines etc).
so, i still feel like i could wait for him. i must have more to learn. i send him love and i pray that the best outcome for both of us emerges. i trust his path and don’t want to push any thing. BUT, when i think about it or hear his music or run across a photo of him…or think of how he looked at me….my heart swells and i miss you so much. i mean, i miss him so much. haha! i just left that. anyway, i have just decided to keep him in my heart, and to stop talking to my friends about him. i tell them…oooh, i must just be insane…but in my heart i know there is something to this. is it just a matter of time? i don’t know. i continue to grow in conciousness. i have discovered new and exciting branches of my path. i’m eager to follow them, and this allows me a different focus. if i wasn’t so spiritually aware, i think this pain of missing him might have derailed me already.
any thoughts? are these synchronicities just happenstance? am i making to much of them? i just love him. unconditionally. i can’t help it and i want him back right now! HOWEVER, i KNOW he must treat me like a queen and that is all i will settle for. i have dated a few other men in the past 6 months. great guys showing me what i deserve! but alas, they just don’t give me that same feeling. amazing men have showed up in my life! i’ve been so surprised. but i just don’t feel the same way about them…
there’s so much more i could say. so many more little things and big things i’ve experienced. but i’ll leave it there. please just tell me what you think 🙂 thanks for caring! lots of love & light to you on your path! ❤ janelle