Prologue (by Caroline from http://www.carmacoaching.nl):
The similarites are equal, regarding feelings. The ‘runner’ experiences the same heartfelt sensations, and also constantly think about his true love, but ‘anger’ plays a part here too: their peace and quiet is taken away from them. And when restlessness and / or losing control is involved, the Runner rather retreats within himself.
Also, the Runner rather has little to peck at, than surrender to love. Intense feelings are absolutely there, but words like: love, relationship, commitment, obligations and phrases like ‘I want to see you’, or ‘I am longing for you’ cause the Runner to petrify in fear. Fleeing or retreating is his only (thinkable) solution.
Fear torments feelings, and silences love. And that makes him frustrated, to the bone. You see, even the RUNNER would want nothing more than to be with you (the aware one), to experience that unity -in the physical-. But as soon as they have decided to get in the car (to actually go and see you), they turn around within five minutes, in a matter of speaking. They hit the brakes. And the urge to hit the brakes overcomes the urge to step on the gas.
Spontanious dates are not possible, it will cause every hair on his neck to stand up straight, because ‘he won’t be able to prepare mentally’. A date needs to be announced in advance, and he will only follow through with it if he feels 100 % centered in his strength (a pimple, cold sores, or bad hair days will cause him to cancel immediately).
Frustration, fear and anger is what the Runner feels. By the way, they are also mad at their true love, because everything really is her fault. ‘I want peace and quiet!’ (is what the mind of the Runner shouts).
The feeling of ‘WANTING, but now knowing HOW and WHEN’ drives them insane. It makes them angry, and sad.
Runners suffer, because they know they are cutting themselves short. They know they are lying to themselves. But they don’t see a way out, simply because the truth HAS to be a lie.
He loves you with all his heart, but he truly has no idea what to do. Runners cling to their safe life, because it’s clear to them; recognizable, manageable and passable. Anything outside of this safe frame is ‘not done’, and so the daily worries like work, keeping a family going (etcetera), are safe. That’s where the Runner finds his rest, from his mind, mind you. However, during these daily worries his true love takes over his head. So even you, as the aware one, are in his thoughts 24 / 7.
The Runner dreams about you, so he keeps getting connected to you. But then, he wakes up and he shouts: “go away” or “I don’t want this”, and then fully throws himself at work (for example) because he wants to ‘get rid of you’.
Fear and anger also create the opportunity to hit you where it hurts. The harder, the clearer. They truly don’t want to lose you, they just want PEACE AND QUIET. And the only way to achieve that, is to push you away, with all his might. And afterwards, he regrets his actions, but well.. reversing them has no use either. Because that’s when the mirroring starts again (from the aware one, setting her boundaries).
In short, the Runner gets flooded daily with shame, insecurity, frustration, fear (to fail). He wants quiet, quiet and more quiet, but on the other hand he longs for you intensely.
Actually, the Runner wants to make love to you every moment of every day, but taking responsibility for a relationship (the so called ‘committing’) of surrendering to love? NO WAY, that is not safe.
How Runners think? “I would rather jump out of an air plane in a parachute, than taking a leap of faith with my true love.”
It’s all very complicated, but I am grateful to be able to understand the dynamics of the Runner better, now.
Below you will find a blog, a personal story written from the view of a runner. Very interesting!
The view from the Runner:
“The other half (of the aware Twin).
This side rarely gets revealed, because I -as a Runner- would rather not open myself up. Eventually the aware ones (amongst you) are much better at that.
For me, the Runner, the process is just as complicated as it is for you, the aware one, with the main difference being this: “us Runners cause sadness, we are to blame for the pushing and pulling, but it all comes with a tremendous amount of sadness and fear”.
The moment of meeting each other for the first time hits us like a comet: somebody enters your comfort zone, just like that. And that’s actually where it already starts.
In the beginning, as the Runner you are happy, heavily in love, in a way you have never experienced before. The attraction is enormous, magnetic. A rocket being fired straight into your heart: it enters, and the explosion is humongous. Your entire world is upside down. You are torn away from your structure, to expand your boundaries: and you expand those together.
The aware one feels comfortable and ‘comes home’ after this long journey of searching. For the Runner, that’s when the fight starts. All senses are alert; “Who is this, what is this, and what does this person want? Commit? Settle down?”, but that goes way too far!
Right when commitment arises, the Runner wants to break free. It suffocates him, smothers him. And he is being dragged out of his comfort zone in such a way that there is no other option but to push the aware one away, away from his system, away from his world.
As a Runner, you become aware of your fear: she overwhelms you with her love, and as a Runner you are not ready for that.
But you don’t push away someone who loves you so deeply that easily. As a Runner your start kneading, digging, trying to find weak sports, and hurt! All to make the breaking away seem easier, because deep down inside, you love her unconditionally. But the suffocating, smothering feeling does not feel right, so it’s easier to weaken her and push her away.
She shows emotion, incomprehension and as a Runner, this makes you angry and furious. “Why won’t she understand that I want to be left alone?” Because that’s what you want, as a Runner: rest, organize your brain and gain back your structure. You want to get back into your own cocoon.
This is paired with feelings of despair and loneliness, mind you, because you know you are hurting her into her core, you know you are leaving her in misery and desperation.
In this process bleakness transcends the comprehensive love. As a Runner you doubt your Twin. All this adoration and love, is that sincere? While the exact same feelings have also overtaken the Runner. He is also pouring with love and adoration but he would rather hide it, than surrender.
Runners are battling themselves. And it’s a true battle, in which the Runner figths just as intensely as his true love. He just doesn’t complain about it, he keeps himself standing tall and acts like he doesn’t care, like it does nothing with him. While on the inside, he feels a deep wound. So, the Runner also feels amputated and lost.
Feeling exhausted and out of energy, the Runner blames it on the aware one because it’s easy. Better to be mad at the other, than at yourself.
As a Runner you avoid confrontations. Because that magnet is there to stay, and nothing would be more beautiful than to become one. It will complete you, make you perfectly happy, but it’s hard to hold onto this feeling. No matter how cruel! So you run away from the confrontation because you are afraid to look into your own eyes, and feel everything she’s feeling. Literally.
Never forget: your heart also beats in the Runner’s heart. Know he knows and recognizes every inch of you. He sees you in visions, and loves you. Simply adoring is his comfort zone, so trusted, that it is hard to step out of it.”
Disclaimer: all rights go to Caroline from http://www.carmacoaching.nl